No Rock And Roll Fun

HE SCARES ME, THAT'S FOR CERTAIN: We were surprised to hear Ronan Keating's been cast as a gangster in a new movie - I suppose if he was going to appear naked it might put the fear of god into some people, with his legendary penis which can seat four quite comfortably, but really, he's so twinkling and nice it's hard to imagine anyone being intimidated by him, isn't it? Can you imagine Ronan Keating running a protection racket?

Ronan: Hey, this is a nice shop. It'd be a pity if something were to happen to it
Shopkeeper: That's okay, we've got insurance
Ronan: Oh... but... you could pay me some money and I wouldn't smash the place up
Shopkeeper: [pause] Are you going to pay for that Aero?
Ronan: Um... oh... yes... there you go... forty-nine pence...

Then we discovered that the movie also "stars" Anna Friel and Vinnie Jones, so it became clear that it's not actually a proper film for people to go and see in the cinema, but just something to stop the other GBP2.99 DVDs falling over in the newsagents round the corner. It must be hearbreaking being Anna Friel - every day you go into work knowing you're just sweating over something that nobody will ever see. Like writing the definition for "at" in a dictionary.