CULLUM ON QUEER STREET: Jamie Cullum says he's flat broke, because, duh, that million pound record contract didn't mean he was getting a million quid. Next week, he'll be sharing the insight that when you're being dumped and people say "It's not you, it's me" they really mean "It's you, because you're rubbish and you make me feel like I ought to be prodding your stupid face with those pointy barbecue tools." It turns out that all that mugging on television, the eviscerating of Love Cats on the Brits, and that stupid advert with Jamie slapping the piano in a way that spookily echos the way we'd like to slap Jamie with a piano - all of that - has only made Jamie twenty grand. This means, clearly, that if we can scrape together thirty thousand, we can outbid his current label and pay him NOT to make any more rubbish records, and to refrain from appearing on TV. The urgency of this can't be stressed enough, with a new series of Later With Jools looming on the horizon. Anyone fancy a spot of fundraising?