No Rock And Roll Fun

MTV SLAMS SELF INTO REVERSE: Having spent the last few years concentrating on producing more and more local output across its global empire, MTV seems to have decided that that's too much like hard work and has announced plans to basically use the same formats and programming worldwide. Hence, there's to be a 'global' edition of its Dismissed dating show, bringing together contestants from all over the planet (that's going to lead to some very successful romances - 'Your place or mine?' 'Well, yours is a fifteen hour flight with two layovers away, and mine is in the heart of a war zone. No, you choose...'); 'international' stars will get the chance to do Cribs - so we'll cut from Ghostface Killah showing us "his" gold-plated home and seventy-nine armoured assault vehicles to Belle and Sebastian giving us a tour of their Galashiels Council Flat - "We've got two lifts... we don't actually collect them, they're just sort of outside the door. Only one of them works, and the other one... [sniffs] yes, it smells of wee and puke..." Amongst "new" ideas is 'Meet & Eat', where fans get the chance to meet their heroes, butcher them with a giant cleaver, and cook their flesh - or perhaps just cook a meal for them, it's still in development.

It's not clear why MTV has changed its mind about imposing cookie-cutter American output onto its worldwide stations - although we're betting it has a lot to do with cutting costs. The 'local-focused' policy had been instigated as a response to the original music network getting its arse kicked all over Europe and the East. Maybe they should just go back to showing videos; like they used to; like they used to be good at?