We prefer the sloths, ourselves

There's desperation, there's desperation and then there's... this. Matt Goss, who last week was saying that there wasn't enough money in the world to get Bros back together, has decided that a really good use of the scarce resources of the planet would be getting the blokes from the Specsavers advert to make a record. For people who live outside the UK, or who simply don't watch the commercial television channels, the advert features a huge group of girls waiting for their heroes to emerge from a hotel. The first three are wearing really 'cool' shades; the last emerges and - to disappointed gasps and a general floating away of the screaming girlies - puts on a pair of dorky shades. He should, you see, have gone to Specsavers. Apparently the "band", now called All Eyes, are going to give any money the first single 'She's A Vision' (do you see what the theme is here yet?) to Guide Dogs before following up with 'Shades'. What's most ridiculous about this, of course, is the band don't even sing in the bloody advert - at least if it had been, say, the "alien invasion/ what on earth are we going to do" band from the KitKat ad, or the woman who used to trill that "I'm a McCains Oven Chips fan/better for the kids and the old man/better than chips from a chip pan/twenty per cent less fat", they had some sort of musical bit in their commercial. I can see clearly now that Matt Goss has too much time on his hands, but he's obviously got stars in his eyes (continued page 64)

UPDATE: Please see an important correction to this story