No Rock And Roll Fun

BRITS NOMINATIONS: Goodness, there's a dangerous prospect that this year's Brit Awards might reward musical achievement, with a much healthier looking shorlist being announced:

British male solo artist:
Jamie Cullum, Lemar, Morrissey, The Streets, Will Young

We're not sure about the inclusion of The Streets as "best male solo artist", but then there's not really a category for "loosely-organised equipe based around a central figure"; and, of course, there's always the danger that the more schmoozy and predictable Cullum might get the nod because he's so much more international. We find it amusing that Lemar has got a nomination - has he actually done anything much ever? He seems to exist solely to fill out benefit gigs, reality shows and shortlists. And we understand that Will Young's nomination was a mistake - they'd cut and paste the shortlist grid from last years and forgot to delete him from the box.

British female solo artist:
Amy Winehouse, Jamelia, Joss Stone, Natasha Bedingfield, PJ Harvey

Always a tricky category, of course, which is why in previous years they'd just slip the statuette to Annie Lennox and move on. It should go to peej, of course, but almost certainly won't; we'd hope the two she-Cullums Winehouse and Stone split the grown-ups vote. Probably Jamelia, we fear.

British album:
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand, Keane - Hopes and Fears, Muse - Absolution, Snow Patrol - Final Straw, The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free

So, no Libertines then, making this about the only list in the Western World that hasn't put them into the 'best 5' category. But you'd have to say this is probably one of the most impressive line-ups of Albums ever to get the shortlisting from the Brits: it reminds you that the big sale of albums last year was achieved without any of the hokey warhorses (Travis, Oasis, Coldplay, Williams et al) turning in anything new. It's going to be the Frannies, surely?

British group:
Franz Ferdinand, Kasabian, Keane, Muse, Snow Patrol

Another snub for the Libertines, but once more a more 'proper' list than you'd expect the Brits to come up with - no McFly, no Busted; not even a Girls Aloud tucked in there - maybe this is because there's a separate 'pop' category, but we can't see why poppy acts couldn't have been considered here, too. Kasabian seem a surprising choice - we can understand why the slightly porridgey Snow Patrol have washed up there, but Kasabian? "They were in the Sunday Times Culture supplement, so we'll give them a vote." We predict a second polite mumbling from Alex Kapranos.

British single:
Band Aid 20 - Do They Know It's Christmas?, Jamelia - Thank You, LMC vs U2 - Take Me To The Clouds Above, Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, Will Young - Your Game (Voted for by commercial radio listeners)

We're at a loss as to why, if you wanted to ask a question about quality of music, you'd ask commercial radio listeners; it's like approaching a bunch of people at the Republican National Congress and asking them to name the best Socialist philosopher. No, seriously, they reckon Band Aid 20 is a contender for the best British single of last year. Not "most righteous" or "pious", they think it scores on the basis of quality. Who knows how commercial radio listeners will vote on this one?

British rock act:
Franz Ferdinand, Kasabian, Muse, Snow Patrol, The Libertines.(Chosen by Kerrang! TV viewers)
We can just about see the way Franz Ferdinand and The Libertines have drifted into this category - although the ghost of the old Kerrang is turning in its grave... not that ghosts actually are in graves, are they? - but Snow Patrol? Rock? They might as well have just thrown Jamelia in as well. Having said which, K!TV was showing the Gwen Stefani video the last time we looked, so god alone knows who's watching the channel these days. Muse, probably, here.

British urban act:
Dizzee Rascal, Jamelia, Joss Stone, Lemar, The Streets.(Voted for by MTV Base viewers)

We're not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing that The Token Black Music Award shortlist is half-white (we know it's a two-three split, but Joss Stone is so painfully pale she counts as doubly white). And again, we're meant to be pretending that Le 'Yes, I could give Darius Danesh a run for his money' mar, Jam 'Did I mention my awful childhood' elia and Dizzee 'Awkward Grange Hill style rap for charity' Rascal are powerful forces to be reckoned with. The Streets should waltz this one.

British live act:
Franz Ferdinand, Jamie Cullum, Kasabian, Muse, The Libertines
The Libertines? To be fair, post-Doherty Libs turned in a steady performance, but weren't doing anything that excessive - and surely the Brits won't be endorsing the turn-up-perhaps ethos of pre-divorce Libs. We'd happily see Cullum get this the minute he does a show that's truly crowd-pleasing, and falls off the piano lid. Especially if it was a piano suspended over a pit of very hungry hippos. We're guessing, but we bet this will be where Kasabian get a small award to show that the Brits are ahead of the loop.

British breakthrough artist:
Franz Ferdinand, Joss Stone, Keane, Natasha Bedingfield,The Zutons (Chosen by BBC Radio 1 listeners)

The Zutons? That reminds us: whatever happened to the Coral, eh? We Vcan see this coming down, Washington State style, to Natasha v Franz

Pop act:
Avril Lavigne, Girls Aloud, Natasha Bedingfield, McFly, Westlife.
(Promoted by ITV1's CD:UK, The Sun, O2 and Samsung)

Wot, no Busted? While we know it's wrong to wish ill on people, since Westlife seem to have no intention of just stopping and going away, it seems the only hope of ever being rid of them is if they have a nasty accident (obviously, being hit by a falling Jamie Cullum and Piano would be our first choice). With such a rag-bag of "promoters" for this category, it could be anyone's. Yes, we saw Avril Lavigne listed there, and it's odd, but at least it must be pissing her off royaly to be slammed into the froth section.

International male solo artist:
Brian Wilson, Eminem, Kanye West, Tom Waits, Usher
This is more like it - yer classic Brits line-up, a total hotch-potch with a couple of guys you weren't entirely sure were dead; someone who's clearly got the nomination because the people voting spend most of their time overseas and hadn't realised he's totally unknown here; a "dangerous" option who's actually as safe as a neutered labrador having a nap; and a bloke who's been nominated in the vague hope that he might turn up and do a song to try and make the Brits of interest to the US networks. Eminem?

International female solo artist:
Alicia Keys, Anastacia, Gwen Stefani, Kelis, Kylie Minogue
Dull, worthy, poorly edited, underperforming... and Kylie. It's not been a glorious year for Kylie, but since it's probably her last hurrah, she'll get it for old time's sake.

International album:
Killers - Hot Fuss, Maroon 5 - Songs About Jane, OutKast - Speakerboxxx/ The Love Below, Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters, U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
Why is Scissor Sisters in the international category? Aren't they on a British label? Don't their records usually count as British under BPI rules? Anyway, if there was any justice, they'd pick up an award here, but it's going to be U2, isn't it?

International group:
Green Day, Maroon 5, OutKast, Scissor Sisters, U2
We've tried to get people to explain the fascination with Maroon 5 to us, we really have. Nobody can actually explain what it is they do that makes them keep turning up at awards ceremonies. We're assuming that what will happen here is, if U2 do win the album award, the Sisters will get this one.

International breakthrough act:
Jet, Kanye West, Killers, Maroon 5, Scissor Sisters
Much as it hurts us to admit it, Jet probably deserve this one. The formbook, though, probably means it'll get given to Maroon 5 - which may well be the last we ever see of them.

Brits 25 best song award:
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart, Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights, Queen - We Are Champions, Robbie Williams - Angels, Will Young - Leave Right Now (Voted for by BBC Radio 2 listeners)
As if to disprove all those articles saying how cool Radio 2 is, they've somehow got the Williams and - oh, Huwedwards, Leave Right Now onto the shortlist. And so they'll probably go and make one of those the overall winner as well. Maybe The Right Thinking People should just agree to throw all our weight behind Kate Bush?

Outstanding contribution to music: Bob Geldof
Hey... we love I Don't Like Mondays, but beyond that... what contribution is this he's being rewarded for, exactly? The Vegetarians of Love?