No Rock And Roll Fun

THE JOY OF SELF-DELUSION: It's only a matter of time before bright red potato head Wayne Rooney is persuaded to make a record, so his ne'er do well family are already rushing to beat him to it. His girlfriend Colleen has been rumoured to be planning to get a singing career - even although she has the look of someone for whom a Saturday stint in a florists would be a stretch - and now James Rooney, a "lookalike cousin" has poked his potato-face round the door. James believes he is the UK's "answer to Justin Timberlake", and we have no doubt he is, in the same way that Rentokil is an answer to rats. He's threatening to release a cover of Bobby Brown's Two Can Play That Game, although Several Can Live Off One Person's Success might be more accurate.