BENJAMIN ZEPHANIAH SHEDS LAST SHREDS OF DIGNITY

We've always had a degree of respect for Benjamin Zephaniah, but that's being tried a bit with the news that he's written a poem to "mark" the ending of The Osbournes on MTV. Pam Ayres territory, surely? Or maybe Andrew Motion. Ben tries to jusitfy the work:

"I thought it was only fitting to put pen to paper and write them a fitting ode. The challenge was to write a poem about a family that has become an alternative institution without it sounding too worthy. Ozzy's not just the Prince of Darkness, but he's bona fide Brummy royalty too."

Doubtless he'll be knocking one out when Sharon makes the next Asda Mums commercial.

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