WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: The problem with giants are they cast enormous shadows special

Two weeks ago, it was Coldplay - Part One. "The only things I read about us are terribly abusive and the only people I meet hate us" sobbed Chris. Have you ever wondered why, Mr. Martin? Perhaps its because you say things like "it's about turning up at the NME awards and feeling you can look Paul McCartney in the eye because you work as hard as him." What - three albums in how many years? How about looking, say, a builder in the eyes? Or a nurse?

He does have a great promotional idea, though: "commercially, it would be a great idea to blow my head off with a shotgun." No, no, Chris. That would be an awful business decision. Shotguns are expensive; swimming after a heavy meal might be a better idea.

Last week, it was Coldplay - Part two. And, frankly, this was the more honest and interesting part:

"Because we step back, Chris' point of view is, therefore, our point of view. We've been happy to let it be the Chris Martin Band," says Will. About the most diplomatic, face-saving way of admitting you're back-up boys to the Hollywood Husband there is.

But the big thing last week was Oasis' world exclusive interview. They've not changed a bit, you'll be delighted to hear - still stupid, boorish and utterly irrelevant. Here's Liam, muttering proudly that "there wasn't a cut on my fucking' face" after his fight in Munich. Then here's Noel, denying Zak Starkey was drafted in because his Dad was in the Beatles: "that'd be like getting Stella McCartney to do backing vocals." Or hiring someone because they were in Heavy Stereo, presumably?

Noel then suggests that "£32.50 is nowhere near enough to come and see me play my guitar..." (ah, remember the days when Matt Johnstone would insist that "five pounds for a year of my life is a bargain"? He was wrong, too), before they start to consider their competition. "Scissor sisters? It's just music for hairdressers, isn't it?" Don't be down on the hairdressers, Noel; they might be able to help you with the looking ten years younger business. Liam has a Scissor Sisters opinion, too: "I'm more entertaining than that cunt, and I'll rip his fucking vocal chords out anyday because he's fucking rubbish." Erm... except, the only time you've ever gone head to head, at last year's Glastonbury, you were so unentertaining even Michael Eavis couldn't find anything positive in your performance.

Why, the NME asks Noel, would a 16 year old care about the return of Oasis? "Because your big brother would have fucked drummed it into your head that we meant more than any other band." Well, apart from any 16 year old with any sense saying "if you're so important, why does nobody give a fuck about you now?" and the chances that only an older brother who still lives at home in their early 20s would be in a position to have this conversation, when i was 16 I immediately distanced myself from any band my brother might have endorsed on the grounds that it was likely to be late-period Gary Numan or Iron Maiden. But Noel seems convinced that the kids love him: "All these 15, 16 year olds were saying 'Definitely Maybe changed our lives, we'd jump around with tennis rackets to rock and roll star.'" Even Noel spots the flaw in this claim: "You were fucking nine when it came out." Exactly.

And how does Liam feel about Pete Doherty? "So what does the word Libertine mean? Freedom! He's fucking in the corner with a helmet on his head... there's nothing free about that." Er, right, Liam - except Libertine doesn't mean freedom, it's a term used for someone who is dissoloute or living outside of social norms, which would seem to be absolutely spot-on for a drug-addled burglar who shags Kate Moss.

How Liam doesn't understand anything about rock and roll: "They [The Kaiser Chiefs] wear fucking make-up and their kecks are skintight. What's that about?" You start to realise exactly what it is about Oasis that is so life-crushing: the hate the scissor sister's colours, they hate the Kaiser Chiefs' attempts to put on a show; it says it all that when pressed for a band they like, Liam offers Kasabian. They have the same one note, grey, sights-no-higher than last orders and a kebab attitude; a swagger about an empty life. Like those scrapyards you see with nothing worth stealing but nevertheless with four guard dogs parading about, Oasis have always been stuck with a worldview that can't see beyond the end of the street. They haven't changed.

This week, the bands went head to head with talking about their new albums. Chris Martin talked us, track by track, through X&Y. The secret track - a move so pointless in the age of CDs and downloads (how do you do a secret download anyway?) - was originally written for Johnny Cash, who had the good sense to die before recording it. Martin says he had trouble writing from the perspective of a seventy year old man, presumably because he can't imagine having a soaraway life like that.

Oasis, meanwhile, explain the inspiration behind some of their tracks. One new song is about buying a bottle of milk; but we finally get to the bottom of why they say each album is better than Definitely Maybe - Liam thinks DM "was just alright."Something, at last, we can agree on.

Also in this week's nme: Serge Pizzorno from Kasabian talks about getting hit with a bottle in Glasgow - six stitches, but he'll have to go bald before anyone sees his scar. So, about 2009, then.

E from Eels takes on the might of Peter Robinson: apparently, they did the interview before but the tape machine had no batteries in. Who knows what we, as a world, missed out on?

Brett Anderson wants us all to go out and vote (there's still time, polls don't close until 10). If you don't vote, he warns, extremist parties like the BNP could creep into power.

Not being apathetic are Thom Yorke and Mark Thomas - they've put together a contest to try and promote awareness of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. Come up with a nifty new name for it, and you could win £100 and a signed CD. Plus, the vague possibility that you won't spend a nuclear winter as a bitch to a giant cockroach.

The Killers face down the Fannish Inquisition (a long running and bad name for a feature); they're a bit sniffy when someone hints they sound like Shed Seven: "if we sounded like them, they would have sold three million records and we probably would have heard of them." But you sound like you, and we bet that the drummer from Shed Seven doesn't know who you are.

reviews
albums
gorillaz - demon days - "a few IQ points away from being as clever as they think it is", 8
electrelane - axes - "fine and dandy", 8

tracks
totw - ambershades - my darling - "file next to Wake Up Boo"
juliette & the licks - got love to kill - "averagely mundane"
warren suicide - i know you - "exfoliate"

music the killers oasis coldplay