JACKSON FEARS COCK LEAK

You'd have thought that weighing less than a half-sparrow breast portion and having debts so huge even Bono would suggest there was no way back would keep him busy, but what's really eating away at Michael Jackson right now is the worry that Tom Sneddon might still have the 1993 splotchy penis picture he had taken during an earlier investigation. Asked about it on MSNBC last night, Sneddon claimed that he didn't have a copy of the photo and that it would take three signatures to get hold of one. Or a really, really corrupt 24 hour developing shop assistant.

Jackson's big fear is that Sneddon will seek revenge by letting his penis circulate on the internet; equally worried by this threat are Dell and the major ISPs who know that the phrase "you could stumble across Jackson's splotchy knob online" is enough to see people ripping computers out of their sockets and returning to snail mail.

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