TEACH US HOW TO LET IT ALL GO

The dwindling of Geri Halliwell's career has led to her becoming more and more desperate to find an outlet - any outlet - to try and shore up her fading fame; harshly, people who could throw her a rope don't seem especially keen to do so: the people creating pointless celebrity golf programmes for Sky have rejected her pleadings to be allowed on the show because she's not actually able to play golf. And she's not really much of a celebrity any more. And because she'd probably turn up wearing a microbikini. And would bang on about how she used to be so obsessed with her weight she would diet too much, but she's now glad to be comfortable with her curvy figure and/or how she's been adopting an exciting new diet to shed those pounds. And would be orange. And would manage to make the golf actually seem interesting. And might want to sing. And if they let her in, they'd have created a precedent which would mean Kerry Katona would have to be in the next series.

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