JOHN LYDON HAS SOMETHING TO SELL YOU

The thing that struck us as being most odd about that ruck between John Lydon and Jimmy Pursey at the US Embassy this week wasn't that Pursey claimed the policeman who broke it up was a Sham 69 fan, but that Lydon was queueing for a visa at 7.30 in the morning. Haven't we been told many times that he's a successful US real estate magnate - so how come he's still queueing up for a visa after all this time? And how would he get a visa anyway, since - according to the Lydon myth - his birth certificate has long since been lost?

Anyway, while he's been back in Britain, he's been giving us the benefit of his opinions. He's seldom wrong, it's just that he's not as outrageous as he'd like us to believe:

Lydon is also pissed off with old chum Bob Geldof for hinting that the Pistols would be playing Live 8: “Our names were touted around. And it looks like we turned it down. But the truth is I wasn’t asked.”

“I don’t know what shock value he was trying to get by mentioning us. But I’m glad. It was a very shoddy and weak production anyway…And there weren’t enough black faces in the show for my liking. I don’t think it achieved anything. Bob Geldof is too self-serving.”

He added to the Sun newspaper: “I don’t like this attitude of trying to guilt us into doing something. That’s the terror tactics of the Nazi party.”

Continuing: “Every time I see Bono in those big fly glasses and tight leather pants I just can’t hack it. I can’t see that as solving the world’s problems.”

“He’s crushing his testicles in tight trousers for world peace.”

A light poking of fun at Bono's dress, rather than any of the much deeper problems with Live 8 and the fantastically rich Bono claiming that he can speak for those of us excluded from our political processes; and the confusing suggestion that Geldof trying to bounce a band into playing a gig mainly aimed at shifting back catalogue albums is in anyway similar to the "terror tactics of the the Nazi party" is just insultingly absurb - unless Geldof really did smash the windows of Lydon's estate agency, remove all the cash from the business and then shoot his wife in front of him.

And besides, didn't the punks love flirting with Nazi imagery anyway?

Having done Bob and Bono, it's then on to Pete Doherty. Will Lydon have some outrageous observation to make?

No:

He’s made a decision to play this drugs game. But I haven’t seen many survivors. And I don’t want to see him become another stupid rock death.”

“Pete – calm down a little and start checking yourself. You’re not impressing anyone – you’re just depressing.”

The trouble is, you can just picture him sat in a big, leather armchair, reading the interview back, cackling to himself - "Oh, John, you've put the cat amongst the pigeons again, boy... you've stirred them up and no mistake."

Frankly, if he lobs any more half-arsed missiles at soft targets, we're going to ask him to be No Rock's holiday cover this Christmas.

music john lydon pete doherty bono bob geldof