SOME PEOPLE SUGGESTED HE PLAY JAMES BOND, YOU KNOW

What goes on in Robbie Williams' brain? Hey, no, stop those unkind comments at the back of the room - he's obviously got some sorthing attached to his cerebal cotext - you don't think those limbs twitch themselves, do you? But how it functions is a mystery. Take, for example, this anecdote he offers about Courtney Love:

"She went to me once, 'I was asking my friends who I should sleep with when I visit England and they said you. But I can't sleep with you because of the pop thing.'

'And I went, 'Well, I can't sleep with you because of the ugly thing.'"

So many levels... first of all, why tell a story that makes you sound like a complete tosser? (Yes, I know that's his public image, but surely not one he wants to cultivate?)

Secondly, is he trying to impress us that Courtney flirted with him in such a low-level way? Good lord, man, she's actually been impregnated by Steve Coogan - it's hardly giving you the pulling equivalent of a Michellin Star, is it?

Third, if he really wanted to make the same point and be witty at the same time, wouldn't he have responded to the 'I can't sleep with you because of the pop thing' with 'Don't worry, love, I can assure you there'd be no pop.'

Fourth: Robbie, we've spoken about this before: a man who goes on so much about his conquests, and especially the birds he could have had but knocked back... well, you'll find that leads to conclusions being drawn.

Talking of which...

The cheeky charmer claims stars including GERI HALLIWELL, RACHEL HUNTER and NICOLE APPLETON have all fallen prey to the impressive ball skills he displays with his "knockabout" approach.

He boasts, "I get my boots on and have a knockabout and that's how I do my chatting up. It's just, 'Do you fancy a knockabout? Have you got your boots? Have you got your kit bag? Good.'"

Really, Robbie? Wouldn't you be better off looking for someone who plays for the same team? Or do you just resign yourself to getting pulled off at half-time?

music robbie williams courtney love