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That the "exclusive first listen" to the new Madonna album is a PR orchestrated stunt to flog the album rather than an actual review is so obvious, the only surprise is that The Sun haven't had the integrity to treat it the way freesheets approach Garden Centre adverts: it should have been printed on a four-page wraparound with "Your usual The Sun is inside this advertising feature" on it. We wonder if the agreement actually used the words "We'll give The Sun an exclusive on the first positive review of Confessions On A Dance Floor"?

The whole thing seems to be built around other people's work - she samples Donna Summer, Abba, Stardust - she even samples Madonna When She Was Actually Still Any Good. Lyrically, she has a lazy pop at George Bush (“If you don’t like my attitude then you can just f off. Just go to Texas, that’s where they play golf” - which only rhymes if you pronounce Golf in the historically correct way, with a silent L) but most of the time comes across more like Thatcher: “The only thing you can depend on is your family.”

It would be thrilling to believe Victoria Newton's claims - that Madonna is back to her best, and got something to say (according to Newton's maths, six of the tracks score 10 out of 10, nothing is less than an 8, and one is even worth 11/10) - but you can hear her piece crunching like a ship caught in pack ice as it tries to convince us that our lives are going to be improved by some Jewishish mystical bollocks, a love song to Guy Ritchie ("I owe it all to you, It’s because you push me" - presumably he does this along the lines of "we're out of honey, madonna, go and do a new album") and "Madonna saying 'sorry' in lots of different langauages. By the end, Newton is, indeed, clutching at strings:

This track completes the album beautifully with a classical guitar ending. Quite clever to put out a wholly electronic album – and close it with an acoustic guitar.

Well, yes. If you're doing a Year Nine musical project, anyway.

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