ONLY WOMEN BLEED

Shortly after leaving Hear'Say, Myleene Klass announced her plans to reinvent herself as a classical musician, to bring the life-affirming joy of oldschool music into the lives of millions. That didn't quite work, so now she's signed a deal to bring the scientific advantages of a pantyliner which comes with a moist wipe in the same package into the lives of pre-menopausal women. Now, it might not be, perhaps, the most stretching of new jobs, but Victoria Newton's reaction borders on the psychotic. It's not the advertising, it's what it's for:

ENOUGH is enough. MYLEENE NO-KLASS has already “starred” in my campaign – Shameless – to out C-listers who’ll do any tacky stunt to line their pockets.

Now here she is – the girl who posed with puppies to flog computer games – pictured cuddling up to er, feminine products.

Not feminine products, Victoria? Surely not? Not with menstrual blood being such a disgusting, disgusting thing? Is your column being ghost written by a thirteen year old boy these days? Does poor Victoria have a fit of the vapours when she takes a wrong turn in Boots and comes face-to-face with the Tampax aisle?*

music myleene klass hear'say