MADONNA'S CHRISTMAS IN TATTERS

It's the most wonderful time of the year, and people all around are scampering off up and down the country and around the globe to get somewhere nice in time for Christmas. Someone who has already had her plans left in tatters, though, is Madonna. It's been a tough year for Madonna, what with being thrown off the horse and all, and so she and Guy were planning a romantic trip to Scotland to spend the yuletide snuggling in front of a haggis and enjoying bagpipe bondage session. Because Christmas is all about the kids, they'd dumped them off with someone or other - relatives - and made their way to Southampton's glamorous airport to fly north.

Only their private jet had an engine problem. Now, people were trying to fix it, but Madonna gave it all of two hours before throwing a strop.

Bearing in mind they were only going to Scotland, they could have perhaps got on a scheduled flight, or tried a train; with their money, they could have hired a bloody taxi. But no, if they couldn't fly in a private jet, they decided to call the whole thing off.

Still, it's an early gift for the staff of the Scottish hotel, who won't have to ut up with flunkying to them over the holidays.

Merry Christmas, Madonna.

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