BISMILLAH! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO ON!

The threat hanging for months over central London is being lifted today. Parts of the city had become virtual no-go areas following the scenes of horror in the West End when a shadowy group called El Benton, and their affiliated organisation Br'yianmae, launched their terrifying dirty Queen musical.

Tourists in the capital have been dragged into the Dominion Theatre by the force of the attack, where they have been subjected to scenes of awful brutality; a series of copycat events have followed in the wake of the original Queen attack - Madness, Rodstewart and PicketyWitch have all been implicated.

"These shows are especially sick coming so soon after Mamma Mia," said a police spokesperson at the time of the first curtain. "People have been happily lulled into a false sense of security by the jolly Abba one, only to find themselves tricked into enterting a theatre to be subjected to a poorly conceived storyline packed with dreadful songs and wooden linking dialogue."

Now, though, the reign of terror is coming to an end: We Will Rock You closes on October 7th.

music queen ben elton