PERHAPS MADONNA HAS GIVEN THE HOUSEKEEPING TO KABBALAH?

The Daily Mail is worried, very worried, about Madonna. "Has she been overdoing it?" wails the paper, running a photo which makes Victoria Beckham look like a DFS sofa. "Her face looks too chiseled" it wails, just a couple of months after she was looking too muscle-bound.

The disappointing thing for those who remember when Madonna was a feminist icon is the drivel she uses to explain why she's so keen on going for the burn:

"I wish I were comfortable enough to look zaftig [a Yiddish word for a fuller-shaped woman]," she told Elle magazine. "But I choose men who like carved-out women, the can-you-run-for-the-bus kind of guy. I'm naturally inclined toward men like that."

Good lord, get a grip, woman. Forty-nine hours of boxercise and a quick spin through Isabella Hervey's workout DVD before bedtime every day just so Guy finds you attractive? If you're really that needy you better watch out you don't have cult groups knocking at your door.

Besides, when his mates asked him what the best thing about living with Madonna was, and Guy answered "ooh, seeing that figure every morning", are you sure he wasn't talking about opening the bankstatements.

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