YOU OUGHTA KNOW - AND SOON YOU WILL

In a world in which Geri Haliwell is rumoured to be working on the third volume of her memoirs, it's perhaps only to be expected that Alanis Morissette would commence writing her own autobiography. The phrase "this year's Sharon Osbourne" has appeared in blood on our wall at the very hint of the news, but we're sure that won't stop her:

"It will be all the wisdom I've accrued in the thirty-one years of my life," the singer-songwriter says with a laugh. "A lot about relationships, fame, travel, body-image issues, spirit -- with a lot of self-deprecating humor peppered throughout, 'cause I just can't help it."

Just to give you a literary pointer, Alan, it's not actually "self-deprecating" if you think it makes you look better when you do it.

There's going to be an album, too:

"I'm teeming with ideas right now because I haven't written a record in three years," she says. "I have more than enough thoughts to congeal together."

Mmm. We don't usually think much of Alanis as writer, but "congealing" is exactly the word we'd have chosen for the formation of her songs; like that jelly stuff you get round the edge of pork pies.

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