KIAN PLAYS SHAG OR DIE

For reasons we can't quite figure out, Westlife spodform Kian Egan has been running round assuring everyone he's not interested in having sex with Madonna. Which is hardly news - first of all, it's not like he's going to be in that position, so it's a bit like finding out his answer to "would you rather have a giant cock and no thumbs, or bionic vision and no cock"; secondly, Man Doesn't Fancy Woman isn't a headline anyway. Unless it's on a Robbie Williams story.

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