VICTORIA BECKHAM IS NOW THE UNITED NATIONS

In an especially limp edition of 3am today, the girls phone-in an "A to Z" of the Beckham's World Cup party, an event which still nobody much seems to be interested in - if half the invitees can't even been fagged to return the Hello Kitty 'come to my party' notelet, who does ITV expect to turn up to watch the whole farrago on television?

There are a few interesting moments, though - most notably this:

The Prince's Trust and Unicef, the Beckhams' children's charity. will share the proceeds of the charity auction.

It might come as a shock to the United Nations to discover that its sixty-year old children's fund is, actually, the Beckhams'. Still, it'll at least be able to enjoy the benefits of the event, which are certain to help promote international understanding:

Chef Gordon Ramsay plans a feast for the night, serving up English roast chicken and a peanut butter par fait. "Footballers like that sort of food," he insists. "There won't be any fucking French or German food either."

Belligerant nationalism and feating in the name of the starving. But at least they'll be taking steps to make sure that nobody helps fuel conflicts while they're raising money for UNICEF, right?

Guests will be expected to dress-to-impress...in amazing frocks, designer black tie and enough bling to sink a ship.

We're sure they just edited out the "but without using diamonds from Sierra Leone or gold from the DRC."

Anyway, at least they'll be taking steps to try and reduce the harm to the environment. Some people, when they throw a big event, try to make it carbon neutral by planting some trees. And Victoria and David will be doing that:

O IS FOR ORANGE AND LEMON TREES Being flown in from Spain to "reflect her love" of the country. They'll be decorated with twinkling fairy lights as part of the Magical Woodland theme. Flying in trees? That's got to be a first.

Oh. She couldn't have just nipped down to Wyevale and bought some grown in British nurseries, then?

Still, it's going to raise money for charity - probably just about enough to cope with the exacerbation of problems the party itself creates.

music unicef victoria beckham david beckham