THE WORLD COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF AND WHIMPERS

We're not finding it easy to tell the current Big Brother participants apart, but we think the one which this morning's Sunday People reckons had a swift bunk-up with Pete Doherty is the self-dramatising one who speaks every single part of a word very, very slowly, like she's a nervous contestant on Give Us A Clue and trying to work out how many syllables to signal to Una Stubbs.

Apparently she's got a name - Nikki - and a flatmate, who, though superhuman powers, managed to wait a full nine days before flogging the dalliance to the papers:

Her ex-flatmate Laula Lavin, 21, told The People:

'She'd had a lot to drink and they ended up going back to his place in Notting Hill, just the two of them. He got his guitar out and started singing to her.

He was singing Babyshambles songs. He told her he was going to write a song for her.

Nikki thought he was really sweet and caring but his flat was disgusting. There were needles everywhere and it was filthy.

She also said his fingers were really grubby and disgusting. She couldn't believe she let him touch her with them.

Nikki said he was smoking crack in the house and blowing the smoke in her face.

He also disappeared for a while leaving her on her own. She thought he might be shooting up.

Nikki is really anti-drugs. She spent the night at his place but she didn't want anything long-term.

Aha! She's the one who was having the spatchcock-fit because of the cardigan which may or may not have had a slight hint of BO on it.

I think we can take three things away from this story:

1. She loves hygiene, hates drugs, but is happy to jump a grisly crackhead if he's famous.
2. Pete Doherty - far from being the pure indie son of Albion hangs out drinking in the sort of place where people who want to go on Big Brother turn up.
3. We have seen too much of this season of Big Brother and really, really need Springwatch to start again soon. Although with his track record, we'll probably see Doherty shagging a kestrel on that.

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