WILL WE BE SAFE WITH MADONNA BEHIND THE CAMERA?

Now that she's quit acting (although we saw acting in a pub nursing a Jamesons the other day, and it insists it asked her to leave), Madonna has decided that her new job will be directing films for our delight and joy:

I'm more interested in directing now. I've so many tales to tell.

"Making movies for me was never about being a big movie star, it was about being a good actress.

"But it's not easy with critics going after you before the movie is even released. It's easier to be a visionary as a director."

This is lovely - there's the claim that she was only ever interested in the quality of her acting - which would explain why she took the titular role in Body of Evidence, then; we bet Maggie Smith was pissed off at missing out on that one.

Then there's the suggestion that what killed the movies was the critics, which ignores that certainly with Swept Away, it wasn't the critics who started kicking the film before it was released, it was the crew who were leaking just how much it stank the place up.

Madonna has also shared some of her insights into what makes a successful marriage - no, not keeping your husband on a choke chain and making him sulk out to the Brits:

"Marriage is a contest of generosity, sometimes I lose, sometimes I win. But I'm still in the game and it has taught me the art of compromise and diplomacy."

Honey, if you're having to do the job of a diplomat, that's not a marriage you've got, it's an unattractive overseas posting in a hostile environment.

[Earlier: Madonna's film career, movie-by-movie]

music madonna