GAY MAN DOESN'T QUITE HAVE GAY SEX SHOCK

They can't get out much at the News of the World if they're surprised to discover that some out gay men in an open relationship goes cruising. They think this is George Michael's sex shame (although the screeching "CHECK OUT OUR SEX SHAME SLIDESHOW HERE" does at least suggest they know they're the ones who should be ashamed of themselves, sneaking about with cameras on Hampstead Heath.)

News of the World investigators caught the singer red-handed and red-faced as he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver.

Good lord - not only is he having gay sex out of doors, but with what sounds like a working class person. Just imagine that.

The way the paper treat's George's late-night drive-by is pretty shoddy all round, actually: they track him down to his flat in Brighton where they sneer at him for having dirty crockery and filthy laundry. His only companion is a 20-year-old cat.

We're fascinated by the way the paper thinks the age of the cat somehow reflects badly on the man; trying to paint such a picture of this bloke being so non-U even the Sunday Telegraph might have thought it a bit rich and ending on a triumphant "he even has an elderly cat", as if a more successful man would refresh his kitten every year.

The trouble is, the van driver actually undermines their story, as the paper's claim that Michael did something "illegal" would only stack up if the pair behaved in a explicit manner where they could be overlooked - not only were they out of sight, but it turns out they weren't even shagging:

"He did it very well. That was one of his major points. Then it was fondling and mutual pleasuring. It wasn't full sex but it was fantastic."

Fantastic, by Wham.

Michael went through the motions when he spotted he'd been spotted:

When challenged George, 43, was wild-eyed and trembling. Trying to hide his face under a baseball cap, he screamed:

"I don't believe it! Fuck off! If you put those pictures in the paper I'll sue!"

Of course, he couldn't really sue because it's not as if there's any real grounds for a legal action against the NOTW. And we suspect he was wild-eyed and trembling because he'd been cruising on Hampstead Heath and was suddenly accosted by shouting people - his first thought wouldn't have been "oh, it's only tabloid scum" and more likely to have been "it's the violent thungs who are whipped up by tabloid scum."

Curiously, considering the tabloids have been writing Michael off as a bit bonkers and more likely to be found smashing cars into other cars or sleeping in the middle of Hyde Park Corner, the paper seems to think he's about to throw away his whole life:

George is a man with the world at his feet. He's on the brink of a lucrative 50-concert comeback tour, which sold out in half an hour.

Yet he ignored all the risks and dangers to pull seedy Norman Kirtland.

We wonder if NOTW hack Neville Thurlbeck really doesn't understand that the risks and dangers is the whole point of it - for someone who gets turned on by cruising, saying "but does he not think about the risks?" is like asking if Evel Knievel didn't think about the danger in leaping cliffs. Indeed, the dangers of getting caught would have made the not-full-sex more delicious for George. Rather than bringing shame to him, by lurking about in the bushes with a camera, Thurlbeck and Rupert Murdoch actually were part of the gratification.

music george michael cruising