MADONNA WILL ONLY GO WHERE NOBODY HAS GONE BEFORE

The demands for Madonna's backstage comforts during the British leg of her Look, Look, Look At Me tour have wound up in today's Daily Mirror, and top of the list is having a brand new toilet seat installed in her dressing room. With a full inspection and a proper seal, too - she's not going to settle for a sash telling her it's been sanitised for her comfort.

What else?

A DNA Of The Soul candle, made of a blend of lemon, lemon grass, tea, cinnamon and myrrh, which is meant to "restore meaning to lives that often feel meaningless".

Now, why, we wonder, would Madonna feel the need to something to cure life of meaninglessness? Perhaps it's for Guy.

A POWER of Prosperity candle which is meant to give you the strength to keep your ego in check

To be honest, if you're the sort of person who refuses to use a toilet seat someone else might have sat on, you're probably going to need a few of these.

AN Evil Eye candle, which offers protection from negative glances.

Doesn't work, love. But at least you'll be set if there's a rolling brownout, so it's not all bad.

Ein Gedi Dead Sea Foot Spa.

We imagine this is a bit like a Clairol one, only stupider.

Unsalted Edamame

A type of Japanese pea, apparently. She couldn't just ask for M&Ms like everyone else, could she?

Her very own love-seat [and she] insists that everything else in her dressing room, including the walls, will be draped in white - the symbolic colour of her faith, Kabbalah.

Luckily, also the symbollic colour of having the painters and decorators in.

Dozens of white roses will decorate the backstage area and the all-important bottles of Kabbalah water will be on hand.

Or, we suspect, any old water put into Kabbalah bottles. Which is, after all, more or less what Kabbalah water is.

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