AN OLD MAN TRIES TO STAMP ON THE NEW GENERATION

Remember the Arctic Monkeys? They were everywhere a few months ago, now it's like they're in hiding or something.

They probably are: Noel Gallagher is trying to mould them into 'the new Oasis'. Now's the right time, of course, as they've already released one album that's pretty good, which means they could easily adopt the Gallagher masterplan of knocking out increasingly more shoddy versions of that for the next ten years.

A pal said: "Noel doesn't want to tour any more. He'd prefer to write for other people and top of the list is the Arctic Monkeys.

"He really likes lead singer ALEX TURNER and thinks they could be the next Oasis."

We hope the Monkeys will be smart enough to notice they're doing quite well without Noel's input.

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