Bye, then, Lily

Not so much running-before-walking, more travelling-at-hyperdrive-before-crawling, apparently Lily Allen is taking rooms in LA, the better to disappear quickly ("run her campaign to conquer America").

Lily has started her assault on America by battering the verbal crap out of Paris Hilton. We know, we know, such a daring target - short of a blind, lame, elderly donkey tethered to a large pole on a short rope, we can't think of a more risky target to launch an attack on:

"People like her are useless," says 21-year-old Lily. "She thinks she can milk the world for what she's worth. She's taking money off people that haven't got much.

"Why doesn't she do something worthwhile, like work for the UN?

"She's hideously untalented. Her music is auto-tuned. You can hear it. I know because my sister saw her in Ibiza and said it was the worst thing she had ever heard.

"I worked for two and a half years writing my album... I find it hideous that she's come in and not worked for it at all."

You go, Lily - why should the pop world be choked up with chancers churning out by-the-numbers pop who only get heard in the first place because they've got famous dads and had priviliged upbringings, eh?

We're slightly confused, though: if Lily beleives Paris would be better off doing "something worthwhile" like working for the UN, why doesn't Lily do something more worthwhile, like working for the UN?

But then, doing a bit of press to push a re-release of a single you recorded so long ago London was still being called LDN is hard. Oh, you couldn't tell how hard:

"I had 15 hours sleep last week," she says. "The other day I was lying on the floor near a conveyor belt in Heathrow airport just kicking myself in the head! It's not really very glamorous.

How does someone kick themselves in the head? Unless they have a removeable head, of course, like a cartoon ghost.

"I do feel slightly insane but it is the best job in the world. There are a lot of highs but there are also a lot of lows.

"In this job there's a lot of travelling, a lot of free alcohol being poured all over you and it can be quite hard to deal with."

Ah, yes - it's so difficult dealing with people giving you free stuff. I tell you, these people who live in poverty think they've got it tough - they should try having people come up constantly trying to give you stuff without even asking for money in return. Then they'd know what tough is.

"People do get very tired and a six-week break in the Priory seems like quite a nice thing. I went into rehab when I was 18 for depression and it made me so much happier in my life."

Oh, yes. We often go and have a few weeks at a thousand or so grand a throw at the Priory. It really cheers us up, like throwing hot coins to orphans does. People think Lily Allen is coasting on her background, you know. How unfair is that?

music lily allen