Okay, men... one of us is going to have to bite the bullet

Transcript of briefing held at A Brigade headquarters, 2030h this evening
Men. Thank you for coming here tonight.

We have, it's worth saying, a chance to change the world this evening. Change the world for the better. But for one of us, that chance is going to come at a tremendous personal cost.

Lily Allen has said that she's quite prepared to give up making records if she was to settle down and become a housewife:

"I want to get married and have kids and do their homework and drive them to school," Lily explained. "That's the main thing in my life. And I don't think you can do this at the same time as having children.

"I wouldn't want to anyway. I'd be upset if this ended tomorrow but I really don't think this is my place in life. I'm really happy to be here now but I've never understood those people who want to make albums when they're 65."

Now, clearly men, the thing we need to do is parachute in a man to be her husband before she can make a second album. Before she can re-release any more singles. Before - and if we move fast, I believe it to be possible - before she gives any more interviews talking about how she used SpaceTube to become famous and it's nothing to do with her connections.

I'm looking for a volunteer, men. A husband for Lily, to spare the rest of us. Any questions?

Yes, Ginger, I'm afraid it would have to be consumated.

Yes, in the normal way.

What? Well, that would be up to you - certainly more than once, but the paramedics have advised us that more than a couple of times a week might result in irreversable trauma. I do realise I'm asking a lot.

Any more questions?

Well spotted Blenkinsopp. Yes, the suggestion of her helping children with homework does make it seem like these are more the ravings of fantasist than a serious pledge, and it is possible that she might come out of retirement as soon as the first nappy needs changing. I did say it was only a chance, there's nothing certain in a mission like this.

Now then, do I have any volunteers?

Sit down, Allen - even if that wasn't creepy it would be illegal.

Anyway else?

Oh come on, there must be someone...

Actually, yes, I did ask B Brigade first. Entire bunch of them shot off their toes with their own pistols... no, put them away, men... stop that...

Orderly, fetch two hundred bandages. I'm off to try the D Brigade. Might have more chance with men who keep the regimental goat in their quarters.

music lily allen