Robbie Williams is not telling all

Robbie Williams has been in an eighteen-month relationship with a woman, according to the Sunday Mirror. The paper describes Charlotte Austin as "a humble barmaid" - presumably as opposed to those arrogant barmaids employed in Yates Wine Lodge. The paper never quite clears up why, if she's been Robbie's secret lover for a year and a half, she's suddely decided to tell the papers about it. The telling usually comes after the kissing stops, but the feature makes no suggestion it's all come to a bad end; the whole thing, in fact, reads less like a lover has broken a confidence, and more like Robbie Williams has rung-in the whole thing putting on a David Walliams-style lady voice:

She said: "It's quite empowering to be involved with him - it's empowering to tell him, 'Sorry, I can't see you tonight, Robbie Williams.'"

[...]

"Even though it was Robbie Williams, it still isn't like a movie where people are ripping clothes off and I get carried to the bedroom."

[...]

"It was all very sweet and it was the best sex I had ever had - not because it was Robbie Williams, but because he is so unselfish and just so lovely about it all.nd stamina-wise - he has no problems at all."

Tell that to the people who paid for tickets to one of his Milton Keynes gigs who were hacked off to discover he blew off the stage twenty minutes early.

"It's a bit empowering - if Robbie Williams tells you you're gorgeous, well it does help to get rid of some of your insecurities. I mean - if he thinks you're beautiful then you have to have something going for you, don't you?"

[...]

"And that is when it hit me - when you see him in the flesh with those famous tattoos - that's when you remember that your mate Rob is actually the Robbie Williams all those girls lust after."

Did she mention it's the fabulous Robbie Williams that's she talking about here? Robbie Williams. Out of Take That. That one. The famous, fabulous, shit-doesn't-smell Robbie Williams. I don't know if you'd have picked up on that, as she was being a subtle about how this is all about the marvellous Robbie Williams that all the girls want to have sex with. That one.

Of course, if Robbie was writing this himself, it would have stressed that he has sex with lots and lots of women and ladies and girls, not just one.

Oh, hang on:

She said: "There's kind of an unspoken arrangement with Robbie. You know he might never call back, you know you're not the only one. He doesn't often call girls back or revisit them. But he did with me for some reason.

"I knew he was with lots of other girls at the same time - he has them all over the world - that's just something you accept.

"But when you're spending time with him and things get physical you start to think it would be nice for it to continue, even though you know it could end at any time. We'd talk about the other girls and how for them it was their big night - something they'd remember forever."

Well, you would, wouldn't you, if you were a lady with all those lady bits that had been pleasured by the super-wonderful Robbie Williams off the telly and the radio. You'd remember it forever and ever. One to tell Saint Peter about as you reach the Pearly Gates, although he'd be bound to be the tiniest bit jealous that it was you who'd got to have just a few minutes of sex with Robbie Williams with his famous tattoos.

Hang about... did we mention how fabulous he is?

"Robbie's a good-looking guy, but that isn't what it's about. He is so engaging and lovely and funny - he's a performer - that's what sets him apart. The majority of his attractiveness isn't his looks - it's his way. I'm not saying he isn't physically attractive, but it's more than that."

The oddest thing, though, is not the totally-blemish-free account of the affair, but this bit:

"It was all very real, but very lovely - we just walked into the bedroom and proceeded to have serious hanky-panky."

Serious hanky-panky? Who has ever, ever, used the phrase "hanky-panky" to describe sex since about 1937? Is she sure it wasn't Bertie Wooster shagging her?

music robbie williams