Victoria Beckhams hates herself naked

Because the trend has moved on from "my fabulous life" celeb books to "ooh, you won't believe how I suffer" memoirs, Victoria Beckham has started to ramp up how terrible it is to be her:

"I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach and I've got no bum at all. I might fit into jeans but, trust me, I look really awful naked."

We'll take your word for it, Victoria - no, really, we will. Still, on the bright side, you can always hide behind the door if you feel too bad. Even side on.

What we do love, though, is in her strange world, "fitting into jeans" is seen as the upside.

"I'm done with music and I'm never going to act. I was an OK singer and an OK dancer and I had to work at it.

Of course, music might be surprised to hear that she walked out on it, as we seem to recall music dumping Victoria in a rather public way; and then, humiliatingly, releasing a final video of the pair of them together, and some sort of poor po-mo Poe motiff.

But an OK singer? Victoria, you realise that that's virtually self-aggrandisement on a Napoleonic level, don't you?

In the interview Victoria reveals how she has spoken with Holmes' love, Mission Impossible star Cruise, about his Scientology faith.

But she insists the pair were "cool" despite their devotion to the off-kilter sect.

Victoria confesses: "I've spoken to him about Scientology - I'm quite inquisitive - but I don't know anything about it. They do what they do and they're cool."

We know, we know, if she's so inquisitive, how can she have had a conversation about something with someone who keeps banging on about the subject anyway, and still not know anything about it? And how can someone so "inquisitive" think that a cult which splits up families and demands money from its members and was made up as part of a bet be "cool"?

Still, it's unfair to ask her to worry about such details - she is, after all, having to deal with a bit of extra skin.

music victoria beckham scientology