Cruising to the top of the charts

We do enjoy a good old made-up story, especially when it's been carefully worded to contain an excuse for when nothing happens. Take the claims that cult spokesperson Tom Cruise was going to release a record:

A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "Tom's got a great voice. And he loves that song ever since his 'Top Gun' character Maverick sang it to woo his love interest Kelly McGillis. Katie proved how talented she is musically when she performed in 'The Singing Detective'.

Tom's vocal talents did not go unnoticed by several music producers who attended his wedding, and the couple have apparently been offered staggering sums to sign an exclusive record deal.

The only hurdle in the way of their chart success, however, is said to be Tom's obsession with Scientology.

The source added: "Music chiefs know it would be a massive hit so they don't want to lose all the money to a bizarre religious following. And record labels are reluctant to be associated with the strange faith. However, Tom is adamant. He said the song is a symbol of their love and Scientology is a basis for their companionship."

Yes, because if "music chiefs" had the opportunity to make a few hundred thousand, it'd really bother them if the artist took his slice and gave it to some made-up faux-religion. And, of course, Madonna and Beck haven't released a single record since they got culted up, because of that well known bar on major labels working with people of strange faiths.

Still, it's refreshing to hear what Tom Cruise believes is a symbol of his relationship with Katie Holmes:

Now there's no welcome look in your eyes
when I reach for you.
And now your're starting to critisize little things I do.
It makes me just feel like crying,
'Cause baby, something in you is dying.

What a pity there's no song called "Who could doubt the little guy's all man, when they see the fluff on my arm?"

music tom cruise