Michael Jackson as healthy as ever

We've know you'll have been worried, but relax: Although Michael Jackson and some of his entourage had a spot of illness while they were in Europe, none of them had to go to hospital.

His spokesperson, the ever-open Raymone Bain, reassured us all:

"He was a little under the weather when he returned from Europe," said Ms Bain.

"He probably had a bad cold or the flu. But he was never hospitalised."

What would be the point? They never let him sleep in those Ronald McDonald houses any more, do they?

Stock markets - which hadn't reacted to news of Jackon's illness at all - remain unaffected by the possibility of Jacko having a head cold, although a broker from one of the main banks did say "it must be awful him having a cold - he must have to check the hanky really closely every time he blows his nose. Just to make sure, like."