Prizes for Primals: NME awards

We can just about understand the fairly late slot for the Channel 4 showing of the NME awards, but tonight's programme on E4 not starting until 11pm tonight hardly seems festive: E4's Thursday nights are pretty full, but you'd have thought they might have wanted to give it a slightly less buried slot. Especially as, by the time it's on, everyone's going to know the winners. Even if you missed them on Popbitch earlier (before they disappeared), you can see them now on NME.com.

So, who got fingered, then?

Well, nobody, as they use square awards these days. So, who got cubed, then?

Best band - Muse

The continued quiet Muse revolution claims another gong. Bloody mystifying, isn't it? Muse are great, sure, and you meet lots of people who like Muse - but I don't think I've ever met anyone who would say their affection for them stands above all their other passions. And yet Matt Bellamy has had to have an extra chimney and mantle put in, just so that he's got enough room to display his prizes.

Best international band - My Chemical Romance

With NME trying hard to be an international brand, and since nme.com is doing a pretty good job from its New York office, we're not quite sure the concept of a 'rest of the world' prize is sustainable in the long term. Especially so if it's going to be won by the likes of My Chemical Romance. And it's kind of worrying that there's enough manufactured Goths amongst the readership to let MCR win, but not support circulation against Kerrang.

Best solo artist - Jamie T

That's a bit of a surprise. It's not quite proof that NME Awards are alternative but do at least retain the ability to surprise everyone - even the NME, we bet.

Best new band - Klaxons

We imagine The Kooks will feel shocked, The Fratellis will feel robbed, and The Horrors will be annoyed when they sober up.

Best live band - Kasabian

This is closer to what we expected. The dull, middle-of-the-road band getting the prize. Give it twenty years, they'll be Ocean Colour Scene.

Best album - Arctic Monkeys: Whatever People Say I Am...

We imagine they'd started engraving their name on this one before they'd even drawn up any shortlists.

Best track - The View: Wasted Little DJs

A fair victory, although it does mean Carl Barat has gone home empty handed.

Best video - The Killers: Bones

Really a prize for Tim Burton, of course. They should introduce a handicapping rule here, where they'd divide the size of the vote by the amount spent on the clips.

Best music DVD - Arctic Monkeys: Scummy Man

It's interesting that any category where My Chemical Romance were up for a prize that marked what they did, not who they are, they failed to win. I suspect that even if you divided votes by cost, the Monkeys would have romped home even more convincingly.

Best live event: Reading/Leeds

We still don't know who is in a position to compare a festival they went to with all the festivals they didn't.

Best radio show: Zane Lowe

HE SHOUTS A LOT, DOESN'T HE? SHOUTY SHOUTY SHOUTY. (Actually, Lowe has calmed down a lot since he crossed to Radio One - indeed, if he gets any calmer he might even be able to dep for Parky on Radio Two.)

Best TV show: The Mighty Boosh

There's not much chance of this going on for an NME/BAFTA double, is there?

John Peel Innovation Award: Enter Shikari

We're not quite sure what this award is, or what they've done to win it. Presumably it must be for something other than merely having a name which is nearly an anagram of instructions on how to have sex with a pop star.

Godlike Genius award: Primal Scream

Again, we're not sure what the genius is here. It's a little late for acknowledging the genius of Velocity Girl, isn't it?

Oh... we appear to have caught up with the NME.com coverage...