But, of course, Mika doesn't want to talk about it

What is the actual point of Mika talking? Having given a slew of interviews where he just banged on about how he wasn't going to talk about his sexuality, oh no, now he's started dredging up his lost loves. Only to, erm, not talk about them, either:

"I've only been in love once.

It was a horrid experience, my heart was broken.

I just want to forget about it."

Here's a tip, Mika - if you want to make yourself seem mysterious and aloof, you might be better off not giving interviews to every newspaper and magazine this side of the Pork Trades Journal. Because repeating "this is a subject on which I wish to make no comment" gets tiresome very quickly.

However, maybe you could give training to the British navy - "now, imagine you are captured by the Iranians... rather than saying into their cameras 'yes, we were all over your seas like an oilslick', you can just say 'We were in a boat, I don't want to say more than that.' Or, if you return to the UK and the papers offer you large sums of money to say what happened, rather than saying 'They pinched my iPod and made me pee in a bucket' you can glower and say 'I refuse to discuss what happened... it should be obvious from the way I wear this suit...'"