Robbie Williams is not going to slap the Arctic Monkeys

Mark Ronsons' desperate attempts to justify what he's done continue this morning, where he suggests that not only is he good chums with Robbie Williams (we think he's an old-time music hall performer of some sort) but that Robbie loves Ronson's version of Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before so much he's prepared to fight to defend its honour.

Alex from the Arctic Monkeys had expressed displeasure:

“Let me tell you what I can’t stand — that R&B cover version of Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before.”

Which is actually quite mild for a song which sounds like a cover version, if you imagine the original had fallen asleep in front of the TV with a faulty gas boiler slowly pumping CO₂ into the room, barely waking and stumbling outside to die, slowly decomposing, in a fertilizer heap.

But - according to Ronson, anyway - that was fighting talk to Robbie's ears:

“Robbie offered to smack them up for me, but I was like ‘I don’t need to start a northern war’. Rich, young rock stars still need something to get angry about.”

But why would you get angry about something so passionless?

Of course, the chances that Robbie really meant that he was prepared to get on a plane, fly to Heathrow, drive north to Sheffield, seek out Alex Turner and adminster a slap are very low - it was probably a really lame joke. But since Ronson clearly can't tell the difference between "really lame" and "worth sharing", it's not surprising he thought Williams might be serious.