Victoria Beckham worries about her cupcakes

We're sure that all British parents this morning - as they pack their kids off to school with body armour, a sack full of turkey twizzlers and the faint hope they'll learn something, anything - will sympathise with Victoria Beckham's struggles to get her kids even the basics of an American education:

“I’ve had to turn myself into Bree. It’s so bloody hard getting into a private school in Beverly Hills. As a parent you feel like you are on trial.

“I’ve been having to promise to do loads for the school and David has offered to give the pupils some football lessons.

“I’m just worried that my cupcakes won’t be up to standard!”

Goodness, you're not telling me that the school expects you to be involved with your kid's education? You'll be telling me next they insist on you actually attending parents evening, rather than filming an "I'm sorry I can't be there" insert and sending Dane Bowers to pick up the report in your absence.

We should point out that when Beckham says she's "turned herself into Bree", she doesn't mean the smart talking horse from the Narnia books. Which is a pity, as she'd have less work to do then, although the "smart" and "talking" bits might prove challenging. No, she means Bree from Desperate Housewives.

Helpfully, Victoria Newton's team helps Sun readers understand what this might mean:

My design wizards have mocked up how Posh would look if she really did turn herself into MARCIA CROSS’s uptight character in the hit Channel 4 show.

Actually, they've just photoshopped Beckham's face onto Cross's body, confusing "turning herself into" with "disguising herself as".

But it is better than the first try they had, which we've reproduced here.

Beckham has also had a tough time trying to settle in LA:

“David has to be in Madrid to play football so I’ve been sorting out the house myself. It was a nightmare finding a place, I’ve lost count of the number of houses I saw."

So, more than two, then.

The problem is that some people in LA don't have Victoria's quiet good taste:

“A lot of the houses I looked at were really garish — lots of gold, all very Versace.

Believe it or not David and I do have good taste. I like everything to be simple and plain.”

Which we believe is known as "sticking with your own".

Some of you might remember Vix and Bex's wedding, where they were so simple and plain in their tastes they drew the line at dying the swans purple to match the crushed velvet theme.

Topically, Victoria also touches on Scientology:

“Everyone says Tom Cruise is trying to convert us. That’s not the case. When we spend time with them it’s just not discussed.”

Wasn't last night's Panorama on the subject wonderful? It's interesting because people are, generally, well disposed to even the most outlandish of beliefs, but it's like the Scientologists don't want people to like them - so much effort expended on trying to stop John Sweeney even mentioning the word "cult" anywhere near them. And the celebrity interviews, where they all pulled double-takes when asked about the aliens-and-nuclear-bombs bit, as if they'd never, ever heard of that before. If you accept their claim they're just a good-old fashioned religion what does no harm to anyone, you'd not help but notice their efforts to ensure nobody thinks they're a sinister, controlling organisation do make them look somewhat like a sinister, controlling organisation.

But, it turns out, one with no interest in Victoria Beckham. We can sleep more soundly in our beds tonight.