... that John Walters pointed out that the twentieth anniversary of Sgt Pepper should really be celebrating the fortieth anniversary of the Lonely Hearts Club Band, which would have made yesterday the 60th, we suppose. Did we really hear during the Today newspaper review that one of the papers actually claimed to be "revealing" the Lucy from Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. (The Times, apparently) to be Lucy O'Donnell. It wasn't about LSD at all - how can it be that we've thought that all these years, eh? Despite Lucy popping up every two or three years giving interviews about how a drawing of her by Julian Lennon being the inspiration for that song?
Actually, you know, we don't believe it for a minute - we know this is the official Beatleography line, and it chimes with Lennon's claims in Rolling Stone back in 1970 that he swore to God he didn't "realise" it spelled LSD. Yes, yes, there was a picture, but are you seriously trying to tell us that Lennon wasn't gurgling with delight at the coincidence?
Meanwhile, the Sun has "updated" the cover with what it claims are more contemporary versions of the faces on the sleeve. It actually starts out fairly well:
2. Sinister occult leader Aleister Crowley replaced by Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard.
But then, either the paper is trying to signal desperately to its readers that we live in a decaying culture, where the taint of celebrity has debased everything it touches, or else they just don't have a clue, really:
4. Offensive stand-up Lenny Bruce replaced by edgy stand-up Ricky Gervais.
Ricky Gervais "edgy"? Perhaps in a culture where Lindsay Lohan is seen as a latter-day Mae West, but Lenny Bruce was repeatedly arrested for obscenity, banned from several cities, barred from nearly every nightclub in the United States, sentenced to four months in the workhouse because of his act. Ricky Gervais writes children's books and makes charity videos with Bono.
We're sure even Moby would argue there's no equivalence here.
"I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers." versus "I think it was the seventh Limoncello that got me."
One man created a whole way of looking at the world and exploring the way our minds work; the other, a former Capital Radio dj who sells self-help tapes.
This one's not a bad substitution.
But Swayze made one movie about dancing twenty years ago - couldn't they have thought of another dancer? Like Wayne Sleep, maybe? Or perhaps Natasha Kaplinsky?
Maybe, although Banksy's field of reference is totally different - Julian Opie might have made a bit more sense, based on the Blur pictures in the NPG if nothing else.
That works, although it shows how far the concept of "forces sweetheart" has been watered down since the second world war - McAndrew's basically one step away from Force's Readers Wives.
13. Genius builder and designer Simon Rodia replaced by architect Sir Norman Foster.
Again, not bad choices, although we suspect Foster was the second answer shouted back when the newsroom was asked "does anyone know any architects?" (after "my brother-in-law had a good guy for his loft extension.")
In other words, the picture researcher called back with an "are you sure there's even a man called Murray Lachlan Young?"
This is insulting to Sutcliffe, and completely fails to understand why he was there in the first place - I guess at least they didn't replace him with Bonehead. Dylan gets to stay, but the pretty Beatle doesn't? You could argue, if you had to swap him out, that Yoko should have taken his spot. But some chump from the Arctic Monkeys?
Groening would have been the perfect man to replace Disney; really, though, this is where Banksy should have been stood.
If the Sun had any creativity left in its paper, they'd have put Kate Moss in here.
That, frankly, is pathetic.
20. Poet Dylan Thomas replaced by Irish rhymer Seamus Heaney.
"Irish rhymer", "drug-dabbling" - is anyone else getting the sense there aren't too many Eng Lit graduates working for the paper these days?
22. Doo-wop singer Dion DiMucci replaced by R&B star Usher.
23. Comedy actor Tony Curtis replaced by funnyman Adam Sandler.
21 and 22 aren't bad suggestions; Usher could be any unfathomably popular American chart act, but their interchangeability is the point.
Adam Sandler as this age's Tony Curtis, though? Have we really sunk that low?
25. Radio favourite Tommy Handley replaced by gobby radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles.
Yes, we have, haven't we?
The Sun does tend to view all women with blonde hair as interchangeable; if they'd done this three weeks into Big Brother it would have been that woman who wants to be Victoria Beckham.
Addict, you fucking fools. Burroughs wasn't "ooh, I'll have a little bit of blow and see if I can come up with a poem", he was a drug addict.
This is a little bit like replacing Pope Benedict with Claudi Schiffer because they're both German.
Oh, give me strength. Laurel and Hardy were international celebrities who made iconic comedy films. Ant presents light entertainment on ITV.
If Lindner had painted "heroic" figures in the sense of people embued with extrahuman strengths, you could see the thinking here. But Lindner's people are failures, toys and, above all, dislocated from society; they're not heroic in any real sense. Would it be unfair to assume someone scanned his Wikipedia entry to come up with this substitution? And wouldn't, say, Beryl Cook have been a more apposite stand-in; a different approach, but the same milieu?
After all, if Laurel and Hardy were busy, they wouldn't have called in Vernon Kay instead, would they?
David Cameron would at least have been funny. Osama Bin Laden might have been controversial. Vanessa Redgrave could have been an stage wink.
That's keeping it contemporary, boys. Although, erm, wasn't 2001 being created at the same time as Sgt Pepper?
That's just absurd. Almost grotesque. Mad Lizzie has done more to promote well-being than Madonna, and we'd not even suggest her to stand here.
"There were many other lonely fighters to whom this self-regardent picture is not fair. It is still less fair, of course, like all war stories, to the un-named rank and file: who miss their share of the credit, as they must do, until they can write the despatches" versus "Suicide is the arsehole's way out".
If only Freud had restricted himself to reducing complex sexual anxieties to photos of women in their knickers, he might have managed to hang on to his seat.
No, they didn't use Lily Allen, either.
39. Wise-cracking stage man Max Miller replaced by cheeky pop star Robbie Williams.
Max Miller was a hugely talented comedian with perfect comic timing. Here, maybe, you could have argued Ricky Gervais could have sat, albeit slightly uncomfortably. But to confuse comic ability with "sometimes wears a cap and gurns" is a travesty.
Again, a good idea but... contemporary? They should have put in Lynne from their own George & Lynne cartoon strip. Or... a page three girl? It's like The Sun doesn't even read The Sun, isn't it?
Spot on, although the Beatles couldn't have known that Brando was going to end up doing any old crap for the money at the time.
That's really updated the idea. Despite, erm, A Fistful of Dollars predating Sgt Pepper by three years.
Fair enough, and Fry has even played Wilde which is quite nice.
45. Modern artist Larry Bell replaced by unmade bed artist Tracy Emin.
46. African explorer David Livingstone replaced by British adventurer Sir Ranulph Fiennes.
Again, not a bad series of replacements.
48. Writer Stephen Crane replaced by Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown.
49. Music hall comedian Issy Bonn replaced by stand-up Jimmy Carr.
50. Legendary Irish writer George Bernard Shaw replaced by modern Irish writer Roddy Doyle.
These, taken together, could really be used as evidence in a court case about the world the Sun has made. Doyle's clunking, insular work in place of Bernard Shaw's connected, deeply political work? Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha as our generation's Arms And The Man? Jimmy Carr there at all? A cricket bloke who won a gameshow what we give to eternity in place of an Olympian who made an iconic movie character? In the stead of Crane's evocation of the meaning of courage, Brown's pisspoor airport potboiler?
52. Liverpool FC legend Albert Stubbins replaced by former Everton star Wayne Rooney.
We'll give them these.
They're not very good with the philosophers or spiritual leaders, are they? They might as well have just slapped Paul Daniels over his face.
There's some sort of logic to this one.
56. Waxwork of George Harrison replaced by waxwork of Arctic Monkey Alex Turner.
57. Waxwork of John Lennon replaced by waxwork of Arctic Monkey Jamie Cook.
58. Waxwork of Ringo Starr replaced by waxwork of Arctic Monkey Nick O’Malley.
59. Waxwork of Paul McCartney replaced by waxwork of Arctic Monkey Matt Helders.
The boxer one is fine, but... apart from there not being any waxworks of the Arctic Monkeys, surely, if anyone, a plasticated Beatles should be represented by Oasis?
"Stuart, you can stop looking for a photo of the bloke who invented Suduko... I've had a better idea..."
62. Ringo Starr replaced by son Zak.
63. Paul McCartney replaced by daughter Stella.
64. George Harrison replaced by son Dhani.
Are they trying to make a subtle comment about the foolishness of believing that talent is inherited? Did they get Rupert Murdoch to sign off on that?
66. Hollywood actress Marlene Dietrich replaced by Aussie screen star Nicole Kidman.
They both have funny accents, you see.
Curiously, there's no such thing as the Order of the Buffalo - the only other place you'll find it mentioned is in the Independent's guide to who's who on the Sgt Pepper cover. There is a "Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes", which is a bit like the Masons or the Elks; there's also an "Order of the Buffalo Hunt", which is a Canadian honour. Neither are really anything to do with fighting soldiers, though. Still, the paper probably wanted a picture of an Iraq fighter somewhere, knowing how keen the Beatles were on Britain supporting American wars.
Yeah, except Diana Dors was an actress, and Kelly Brook... well, it's kindest to say that Kelly Brook isn't.
Because, of course, Britney Spears is now only remembered as a child TV star in a programme none of Britain ever saw.
Hello Kitty, surely? They can't even get their toys right.
72. Statue from home of John Lennon replaced by statue of Bobby Moore.
Bobby Moore? Why Bobby Moore?
74. Doll with Rolling Stones jumper replaced by ITV Digital Monkey with Arctic Monkeys T-shirt.
Good lord, what's with the Arctic Monkeys connection? It's almost embarrassing to see the Sun dropping their names all over the place, like a grandpa dropping the name of a band he read in the Daily Mail into conversation.
We're sure the Hindus will be delighted the consort of Vishnu has been deemed out of date and replaced with a doll eight years older than the original album.
Well done, everybody. Well done. We're going off for a little sob.