Victoria Newton bursts forward this morning with surprising news:
Liverpudlian Mel - the most flat-chested member of The Spice Girls - has started eating specialist Japanese F-Cup cookies in preparaton for the group's reunion tour.
The biscuits, with a calorific value of 68.7 each, contain trans-fats which are sent directly to the breast area, as well as 50mg of "breast-enhancing herb" Pueraria Mirifica.
Manufacturers claim women can expect to see their breasts increase by at least a cup-size if they eat two cookies a day.
Besides being - what's the scientific term here? bollocks? - is Mel C, who we have down as more level-headed than flat-chested - really embarking on this fools' errand?
"That'd be so great!"
Which, to us, sounds like she's taking the piss out of the idea rather than "eating breast biscuits".
Never mind, though, it gives Newton an excuse to publish pictures of the Spice Girls, inviting her readers to rate their tits out of five.
Good, clean, family fun. Rupert Murdoch must be so proud - and it can only be a matter of time before the editor's chair of the Wall Street Journal is Newton's by right.