Robbie Williams is not diseased

It's been a while since someone who's had (supposedly) sex with Robbie Williams has told the News of the World all about it, so there's almost something nostalgic about Suzanne Copin's kiss-and-tell in the paper:

NAKED and trembling with anticipation, pretty Suzanne Coppin gazed up at the famous face hovering over her as she lay on the Egyptian cotton sheets of his king-size bed.

This is a little disappointing - do we not get to find out how many threads his sheets have?

Robbie Williams had charmed her this far. What sweet nothings would he come up with next as, inevitably, they made love?

There's nothing worse than making love inevitably, is there?

Still, what did Gurning Boy whisper to the anticipatorally-trembling pretty woman on his Egyptian sheets?

It certainly never occurred to Suzanne they would be: "Don't worry, I haven't got a sex disease. Would you like to see my doctor's note?"

Though a bit unconventional as seduction patter goes, it was typical of the brief time she spent in the pop superstar's tortured world.

To be honest, if the sex is by now "inevitable", then we're past seducation. But it turns out this was just a way to weasel out of wearing a condom anyway:

Suzanne, 31, recalled the moment on Robbie's bed when she asked him to wear a condom.

"He said he had just been tested by the doctor as he was so convinced he had got something because of all the women he had slept with and was amazed when it had come back clean.

"It was then he told me, ‘I'm not gay either, despite what everyone thinks.'

"He even got up and offered to go and get his computer to show me the letter from his doctor but something in his eyes told me he was not lying so I said I was happy to believe him."

Ah, right. The "honest look in the eyes" is a well-known protection against unwanted pregnancy and syphilis. Had we been trying to ascertain if sex with Williams was going to give us crabs, we wouldn't have been staring into his eyes.

It's almost heartbreaking that he's so concerned about people thinking he might like sex with men that he's even denying being gay while poised to have inevitable, heterosexual sex. It's like sitting in an Outback Steak House with a napkin tied round your neck and muttering that you're not a vegetarian.

Still, let's give Coppin room to share her story of copping:

Instead of flannel sheets and ripped jeans, his bedroom had the best white Egyptian cotton sheets and designer clothes.

"But none of that mattered from the moment his hands touched my body.

It's wonderful that she was able to ignore Williams' vast wealth. Well done, Suzanne.

"I didn't even care he had the TV playing in the background with a shark documentary on."

Really? Because, to be honest, that would put me off. And leave me wondering if he wasn't using the shark programme as a means of arousal. Did you shout out 'it's yours' when you came? Or 'it's Jaws'?

It was total rock star sex and everything you could imagine from one of the sexiest men on the planet.

Now, that is a surprise, what with Williams being perhaps one of the sexiest great lost Chuckle Brothers but not in with a shout for the "sexiest men on the planet" list.

"We did it in every position imaginable and at the last count I had in my head we had done ten."

If it's ten you don't have a very good imagination.

"He was on top, then I was on top, then we did it with him behind.

"At one point Robbie carried me in his arms like I was a feather and made love to me while my legs were round his waist and he stood up."

We actually make that four positions. Perhaps the other six were just imagined.

He made me moan with desire. Robbie clearly loved sex and I loved every minute of having sex with Robbie."

We always love the bit in News of the World sex stories where it starts to read like a restaurant review in a local freesheet - we always expect to see them end with "overall, the portions were great but the service left a little to be desired".
Coppin then starts to work through a list of Williams' demons:

"He says he fled Britain as he is convinced his own people hate him...

Williams, we're not "your people", we're fellow citizens. And while some of us might have a degree of contempt for your actions and find your grandstanding tiresome, I can report sadly we're stuck in a minority.

... and told me he has not had a girlfriend in years because he can't trust anyone."

You think? You mean that Williams is afraid that anyone he shags might go and flog the story to the News of the World? I wonder where he gets that idea from?