Gordon demands Amy shapes up

Amy Winehouse. You might not have noticed, but she's in trouble.

Gordon Smart - with his magic see-all eyepiece - has noticed. And, rather like a minor royal in the East End, he demands that something might be done.

For reasons we can't quite figure out, he's decided to go with a Trainspotting theme for his clarion call - or rather Brainrotting. Do you get it? And, proving he's down with the kids, he's had the photoshop team create a spoof Trainspotting poster with pictures of Amy's drug friends on it. Yes, Trainspotting. In 2007. We're looking forward to when he gets round to Da Vinci Code references sometime in 2012.

He warms to his slightly dated theme:

CHOOSE life. Choose your potentially legendary career.

Choose your family. Choose health and dental insurance to fix that missing tooth. Choose your friends more carefully. Choose a decent meal rather than mind-numbing, spirit-crushing drugs.

Today I call on AMY WINEHOUSE to choose life and end her brain-rotting, Trainspotting-style existence.

Except, of course, Renton's 'choose life' speech is a list of the dull, humdrum stuff he's chosen to reject rather than what he's going to embrace and using Trainspotting as a model for detox is a bit like picking Midnight Express to make plans for your trip to Turkey.

Gordon is angered that the best Winehouse's people can do is a week's rehab in Israel - "sounds like a holiday to me" - but doesn't actually have anything to offer himself:

In Trainspotting EWAN McGREGOR’s character Renton is locked in his room by his parents to try and beat his heroin habit cold turkey.

So, you think that someone should lock Amy up?

No? No.

I’m not suggesting this is the way to go - but someone needs to take some sort of drastic action.

Yes. Someone should do something. Thanks for that useful suggestion, Gordon. It's not like her family and management haven't thought of that.