Gordon in the morning

The big story in Gordon's kingdom this morning - that Coleen Asdaadvert and Wayne Potatofootballer are getting married next summer - would be a tribute to Gordon's Prime Ministering showbiz skills. Were it not bylined

By RICHARD WHITE

who isn't even part of Gordon's team. And was it not merely something that he's read in the latest Hello!

Still, handing over the main part of Bizarre to someone else has freed Smart up to concentrate on what he's good at - yet another slideshow of Paris Hilton not wearing much; the "news" that you could see Danielle Lloyd's arse peeking through her skirt (the closest thing we've yet seen to James Burke's fictional 'Albert Memorial Still There' headline yet); another bemusing photo of Brooke 'daughter of the barely more famous Hulk' Hogan in her bra and a somewhat surprising report on Heath Ledger taking the role of the Joker. In much the same way that Smart seem fixated on the very idea of Jesse Metcalfe going to GAY, it seems that Gordon can't get over Brokeback Mountain, headlining the piece:

Heath's gay old time as Joker

- not that he's playing the Joker as gay, of course. But since he once played a homosexual onscreen, everything Ledger does now must be gay, of course. Let's hope Gordon doesn't have to write about Dustin Hoffman anytime soon.