Macca to be gonged

Gordon also brings us news that Paul McCartney is going to drag himself down to the Brits to pick up a lifetime achievement award next year.

It's a wonderful example of space-filling, as Gordon churns into overdrive to fill up a giant swathe of space with a news report that consists of 'Macca gets award'. So, we get a reminder that - in case you hadn't heard - he's getting a divorce:

It has been a horror year for the BEATLES legend after his split from Lady Mucca – so it’ll be a pleasure to raise a glass to him next February in a room full of people he inspired.

He did miss the chance to churn out a few extra words by mentioning 'porn past', of course.

Gordon then clocks up some more words listing the previous winners of the award. But the foot of the page is a long way away.

Ooh... what about women?

[I]t should be interesting to see which of his fancy ladies will be on his arm on the night. He’s got a few to choose from including ROSANNA ARQUETTE and RENEE ZELWEGGER or he could always opt for one of his daughters STELLA or MARY.

Strangely, Gordon seems to have forgotten Nancy Shevell, who was supposedly the big secret love of McCartney's life according to The Sun last month.

The foot of the page is still a long way off, though. Think, Gordon. What about Paul's colleagues?

Beatles drummer RINGO STARR was due to present an award to Oasis last year – but pulled out at the last minute. This would be the perfect chance to show his face and give his old pal a pat on the back.

So, that's "it's not clear who will present the award" stretched out as far as it can go. If only Paul McCartney had breasts, Gordo could plug the gap in his copy with a photo of him in a bikini and something about bangers.

Quick, Gordon. Google to see if he's won anything at the Brits before:

In 1977 the Beatles were given the Best Group and Best Album gongs as well as the Outstanding Contribution Award by Brits judges.

Actually, no, that was a different type of awards ceremony, marking the Queens Jubilee and covering 25 years of British music. But never mind, we're almost there. There's no real reason to talk about last year's show, but...

Last year’s show – with Oasis closing proceedings with a rash of their lager-fuelled hits – looked a tough one to beat.

... needs must when the deadline drives.

Still need some more words? Ooh, ooh... how about a joke about a record McCartney made twenty years ago?

But a Macca medley really is something to get excited about – so long as the Frog Chorus doesn’t get an airing.

Nearly there, Gordon - can you strecth 'the Brits will be presented by Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne' a bit?

With OZZY and SHARON OSBOURNE hosting the mayhem at London’s Earl’s Court, it’s going to be one to remember.

With Ozzy’s shaking hands and Macca’s twitching eyebrows – it should be a classic.

Yes, because it's funny to laugh at people with physical symptoms of stress, isn't it?

Never mind, Gordon, you've made it: a massive article that consists solely of one tiny fact.