Gordon also brings us news that Paul McCartney is going to drag himself down to the Brits to pick up a lifetime achievement award next year.
It's a wonderful example of space-filling, as Gordon churns into overdrive to fill up a giant swathe of space with a news report that consists of 'Macca gets award'. So, we get a reminder that - in case you hadn't heard - he's getting a divorce:
He did miss the chance to churn out a few extra words by mentioning 'porn past', of course.
Gordon then clocks up some more words listing the previous winners of the award. But the foot of the page is a long way away.
Ooh... what about women?
Strangely, Gordon seems to have forgotten Nancy Shevell, who was supposedly the big secret love of McCartney's life according to The Sun last month.
The foot of the page is still a long way off, though. Think, Gordon. What about Paul's colleagues?
So, that's "it's not clear who will present the award" stretched out as far as it can go. If only Paul McCartney had breasts, Gordo could plug the gap in his copy with a photo of him in a bikini and something about bangers.
Quick, Gordon. Google to see if he's won anything at the Brits before:
Actually, no, that was a different type of awards ceremony, marking the Queens Jubilee and covering 25 years of British music. But never mind, we're almost there. There's no real reason to talk about last year's show, but...
... needs must when the deadline drives.
Still need some more words? Ooh, ooh... how about a joke about a record McCartney made twenty years ago?
Nearly there, Gordon - can you strecth 'the Brits will be presented by Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne' a bit?
With Ozzy’s shaking hands and Macca’s twitching eyebrows – it should be a classic.
Yes, because it's funny to laugh at people with physical symptoms of stress, isn't it?
Never mind, Gordon, you've made it: a massive article that consists solely of one tiny fact.