Thursday, January 10, 2008

Gordon in the morning: Knives and coffee stirrers

So, what's the big news this morning, Gordon Smart?

Apparently, it's that Olga Kurylenko is going to be a Bond girl.

Yes, yes: that was news back on Monday, but Gordon has something to add to the story.

Sadly, that something is his libido:

Olga would definitely be the first I’d like to shake and, well, you know the saying.

Eh? Gordon thinks sex is like stirring? Does he have one of the those Starbucks sticks rather than a penis?

It also appears Smart has trouble telling the difference between 'made-up' and 'real':
In Le Serpent she played a model who gets all tied up in her work — in bondage gear. A film about to become a lot more popular than when it was first released.

Olga later admitted she found the whole experience of being tied up “beautiful”.

Better looking and more mental than ANGELINA JOLIE in the sack? Brilliant.

Let's not even bother ourselves with Gordon's suggestion that enjoying a spot of S&M is "mental", confusing consensual sexual activity with mental health, and just ponder why he thinks that 'playing someone in a film who wears bondage gear' is more extreme than Jolie's use of knives for sexual mutilation. Perhaps knives are considered vanilla in Gordon's world?

Still, we learn a little of what Smart's idea of cool is:
007 — the man all lads would love to be

Aha. So deep in his heart, Smart desires to be the urbane, worldly, sophisticated James Bond. A man who can seduce with his eyebrows. Could Gordon charm Olga with sweet sophistication?
She just needs to whip off her undercrackers and whisper sweet nothings in Russian.

Probably not, then.

(Although, Gordon, since she's Ukrainian, it's slightly more likely she'd whisper sweet nothings in that language.)


6 comments:

Rachel Summers said...

Perhaps knives are considered vanilla in Gordon's world?

My insomnia is now amplified by visions of Smart's sex life. I need brain bleach. :p

James said...

Seriously. Buy me enough drink and I'll do my best to sleep with Gordon, just so we can get his first time out of the way and hopefully put an end to this pent-up frustrated drivel. I'll take one for the team.

Hannah said...

"Does he have one of the those Starbucks sticks rather than a penis?"
made me wince.. the splinters!! you'll need a lot of drink, james..

Alex B said...

Is it me or is Gordon reading more and more like a brain damaged Nathan Barley?


Looks like him as well -

http://www.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00402/bizarre_brand__402865a.jpg

http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/media/N/nathanbarley/nb-generic.jpg

Rachel Summers said...

James...wow. Just...wow.

You're a better man than I, Gunga
Din. *salutes*

celtiagirl said...

His personal blogs reveal that, astonishingly, someone married "Bangers" Smart:
www.myspace.com/goagssmarty http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=13483735

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