So, what's the big news this morning, Gordon Smart?
Apparently, it's that Olga Kurylenko is going to be a Bond girl.
Yes, yes: that was news back on Monday, but Gordon has something to add to the story.
Sadly, that something is his libido:
Eh? Gordon thinks sex is like stirring? Does he have one of the those Starbucks sticks rather than a penis?
It also appears Smart has trouble telling the difference between 'made-up' and 'real':
Olga later admitted she found the whole experience of being tied up “beautiful”.
Better looking and more mental than ANGELINA JOLIE in the sack? Brilliant.
Let's not even bother ourselves with Gordon's suggestion that enjoying a spot of S&M is "mental", confusing consensual sexual activity with mental health, and just ponder why he thinks that 'playing someone in a film who wears bondage gear' is more extreme than Jolie's use of knives for sexual mutilation. Perhaps knives are considered vanilla in Gordon's world?
Still, we learn a little of what Smart's idea of cool is:
Aha. So deep in his heart, Smart desires to be the urbane, worldly, sophisticated James Bond. A man who can seduce with his eyebrows. Could Gordon charm Olga with sweet sophistication?
Probably not, then.
(Although, Gordon, since she's Ukrainian, it's slightly more likely she'd whisper sweet nothings in that language.)