Gordon in the morning: While others deal with Amy...

Oddly, the Prime Minister of Showbiz doesn't deal with Amy's crack; that's left to other people to handle. Instead, Smart is left writing about the Spice Girls again. He's worried about Mel B's language:

Because she’s become so much like her foul-mouthed Bo’ Selecta! character, I can no longer tell them apart.

Really? Has she got a large rubbery face and glasses, Gordon? Because that might be the easiest way of telling them, one from the other.

SCARY SPICE has always had the mouth of a drunken trucker, and I’ve applauded her straight-talking in the past.

Really?

But there's a time for straight talking to stop, it turns out:

Furious parents have had to cover their kids’ ears to protect them from Mel’s stream of smut during the Spices’ run at London’s O2 arena.

Good lord, are they still playing there? Really?

The gigs include a bit where the girls discuss what they have had “too much of” before they launch into their hit Too Much. Clever, eh?

Yes, that's Gordon Smart snickering at someone making a lame pun based on a song title. The man who wrote "I bet Macca was looking back at Kylie and thinking: “No More Lonely Nights.”" Clever, eh?

Anyway, Gordon churns on about what Mel B said, discovering a parent who was "outraged" that her child should hear such things. Despite taking her kid to a gig where she knew there was going to be a song with the repeated refrain "wanna make love to you, baby".

Gordon, it seems, is himself quivering with outrage:

Who needs sex education? A couple of minutes with Auntie Mel at her O2 School of Skank and your kids will have enough filthy words to turn the playground blue for months.

So, not quite so in thrall to the Spices any more, Gordon?

Girl Power? Filth power, more like.

No, he really says that.

Of course, this would appear to be the same Gordon Smart who burbled delightedly when the Spice Girls made jokes about his cock onstage.

So, in search of the real Gordon Smart we turn to his Bebo page, an insight into Gordon's real world.

The most fascinating aspect of the page - besides the testicle-in-an-egg-cup where you'd expect to see a picture of Gordon - is this revelation, from the day before he appeared in the Sun, in that awkward picture where he looks for all the world like a man trying to hide a wedding ring at a speed dating event:

Well there's no turning back now...

Get The Sun tomorrow for a laugh at my gay outfit. I'd be thrown out The Muirs for it - no question.

Let me know what you think...

If I get a doing on the train tomorrow, it was nice knowing you.

Let's leave aside the tricky question of the appropriateness of using 'gay' as a term of abuse - for now, anyway - and just look, wonderingly, at a man happily describing the outfit he wears for his byline photo, every day, in such terms. Something to think about every time you see Gordon peeking out from the Bizarre masthead, isn't it?

It also makes you wonder what the people who provided the "gay suit" would feel - it's a bit different from how he described the clothes in the paper on that bright, first morning:

And cheers to ALL SAINTS, RICHARD JAMES, PAUL SMITH, BELSTAFF and JOHN VARVATOS for the clobber.

[Thanks to Barry]