Cerys opens her heart; NOTW opens chequebook

Do you suppose that - when the NOTW signed up Cerys for the bra and panties shoot and "Marc and I are in love" story - that they also insisted that they got first dibs on any "Our love is over" interviews?

If so, the small print has been invoked as, this morning, Cerys states the bleedin' obvious - or, as the paper has it:

Cerys reveals the real reason she split with celeb lover Marc Bannerman

We're not sure, but from the headline we're assuming Marc Bannerman now has "celeb lover" on his passport where it says "Occupation".

Apparently, they were totally incompatible:

HE loves his cool showbiz life in a trendy part of london, SHE'S a mum-of-two village girl in Wales.

HE'S a protective macho man who takes charge on dates and orders everything, SHE'S a fiercely independent spirit who insists on making her own decisions.

HE'S a real tidy-up fan with everything in its place, SHE'S at home in mess and chaos.

HE'S a great cook rustling up roast chicken and tasty treats, SHE'S hopeless and burned his soup.

HE takes a keen pride in his clothes, SHE'S happy in the same old outfits and hates shopping.

He was a cartoon cat, she was a choreographer turned pops... oh, hang about, that's a different relationship.

Hold on a minute... did you just say:

HE'S a great cook rustling up roast chicken and tasty treats, SHE'S hopeless and burned his soup.

Now, 'he's a slack-jawed club hanger, she's a creative artist' we can understand, but "I can't be with you, you're good at cooking and I've just let a pot catch" must be the lamest excuse we've ever heard for ending a relationship. Even one that only existed in Hello magazine's head. Wouldn't his ability to cook make him the perfect match for someone who can't boil water? Isn't there a degree to which compatibility has to be more than 'identical to' and about each bringing something unique to the relationship?

Not that it matters much, as this one:

HE'S a protective macho man who takes charge on dates and orders everything, SHE'S a fiercely independent spirit who insists on making her own decisions.

... that's more than enough to justify binning - having a partner who doesn't want you to think for yourself doesn't make you incompatible with him; it makes him incompatible with the 21st century.