Gordon in the morning: Footballer's lives

With the Grammys and the BAFTAs on the same night, what a difficult choice for the "prime minister of showbiz". Which would he grace with his presence?

Erm... neither, actually: Smart's big contribution to his own columns today is a commentary on a photograph of Alex Curran.

Mind you, the Bizarre coverage of the BAFTAs couldn't have been any worse if Gordon had written it - Keira Knightly not winning an award is turned into some sort snub:

BRIT stars KEIRA KNIGHTLEY and JULIE CHRISTIE were sensationally snubbed at the Baftas

"Sensationally" as in the use of 'failed to win a ballot of BAFTA members'

- in favour of an unknown actress

'Unknown actress' in the sense of 'actress that The Sun's entire entertainment team haven't heard of'. Marion Cotillard was in Taxi. (Note to The Sun: Besson, not DeVito.) But it's worse than she 'not been heard of by the entertainment hacks on the Sun', though:

from France

She's NOT EVEN BRITISH. Or American. How dare she steal awards from under the noses of British stars simply by being considered to have been better?

But, no, it's even worse than that:

Keira was also upstaged in the glamour stakes by Brit rival SIENNA MILLER who wore £1million worth of diamonds — and thrilled male admirers with a sexy black dress that clung to her curvy behind.

Not only was Keira SNUBBED in favour of a FRENCH WOMAN, but there were other people whose dresses clung to their arses more. What a terrible night.