Gordon in the morning: On the town

Having had a (relatively) good week last week, Gordon is back to his usual form this morning: stalking Cheryl Cole. Having failed to break up her and the footballer bloke, Gordon is determined to get some sort of scalp, so he's chipping away somewhere else:

Skinny Cheryl left cheating hubby ASHLEY at home to join NICOLA ROBERTS, SARAH HARDING and KIMBERLEY WALSH as they celebrated Kimberley’s sister Amy’s 21st at London’s Burlington Club on Saturday. NADINE COYLE was absent – again.

If he can't end the Cole marriage, he'll have to make do with splitting up Girls Aloud.

Although 'person doesn't attend workmate's sister's birthday party' isn't, surely, that surprising?

During the last couple of weeks of the Spice Girls reunion, Gordon seemed to turn on Mel B. Is there, you wonder, something Mel could show Gordon to stop all the negativity?

It turns out there is:

Mel B? They look more like DDs to me.

We know you've seen breasts before, Gordon - you write about them everytime you see them. How can you still behave like you're a thirteen year-old chancing past an open window at the nurse's house every single time?

MEL B wore a lifejacket to go jet skiing but she needn’t have bothered — she’s got ample natural flotation devices if you ask me.

What do you suppose it's like when he returns to his wife after a busy day coining single entendres?

"Hard day at work dear?"
"Phwoooaar! Funny you should say that."

In what must be an awkward moment for Gordon, he's forced to effectively run with Rav Singh's 'Madonna split' story, instead of The Sun's usual way of knocking down it's sisters stories on a Monday morning:

A newspaper claimed yesterday Madge intends to move to New York with their kids while Guy will remain in London after a split.

Is there any other newspaper group in the world where the daily wouldn't credit the Sunday sister with a scoop?