Gordon in the morning: Jennifer Aniston breasts shocker

In a picture special, Gordon reveals a shock for all of us: Jennifer Aniston has nipples. You can even see them if you squint a bit. Obviously, not the actual nipples - it's not like she's topless or anything - but the vague outline of them under a top.

Yes, Gordon has resurrected his "Smarties league", which, erm, is somehow trying to quantify having nipples and turning it into a competition. As if, somehow, pointing at a woman because her nipples are slightly erect in a photo becomes slightly less the work of a prepubescent mind if you make a list while you do it.

One of the bigger boys told Gordon a secret about what ladies have down there during morning break yesterday; it can only be a matter of time before he organises some sort of Fuzzy Lady Garden knockout cup.

Meanwhile, Smart hears news that Adele and her boyfriend have split, as teenagers often do. Gordon's upset:

I was chuffed when the teen songstress finally found a fella [...]
now the larger-than-life singer has been DUMPED for a stick-thin model

Yes, Gordon's tears are little more than a chance to trot out some 'Adele's fat' references, while having a pop at people with funny names:

Bassist Slinky — who I would love to see introduce himself with a straight face — is now dating the equally crazily named Burberry model MORWENNA LYTTON- COBBOLD.

We've been looking at Morwenna's name, trying to work out exactly what is so "crazy" about it. It can't be Morwenna, which while not common isn't exactly unusual, and the surname isn't of the Spacemonster-Spaghettihat sort of made-up silliness. Could Gordon have been thrown by the idea of a hyphenated name? I'm picturing him sitting in the office yelling "look, guys, this girl's got a minus sign in her name..."