Lewis Hamilton and Dannii Minogue are having a secret date. It's on May 25th, in Monaco.
Admittedly, that's not very secret, is it?
It's also not very much of a story - despite a hopeful headline:
... the pair are still almost two months away from their first date, never mind touching. So there's a surprising amount of padding. We discover that Dannii "knows a lot" about cars - although there's no mention of how much Hamilton might know about second-string sibling pop. Of course, Dannii has breasts, which is always good for a line or two:
And, of course, Gordon needs to share his forecast for this relationship:
Yes, they might screw each other, Gordon. Thanks for your insight.
But if 'couple arrange tentative date' is the big news, what does that imply about the rest of Gordon's work this morning?
Yes, Gordon spends some time looking at photos of people with their dogs and tries to introduce a slightly disturbing sex angle:
So I'm praying it's a dog's life for me next time round.
But, Gordon, you know it's not like Jennifer Aniston has sex with her dog, or that Rhianna's dog doesn't think "waa-heeey" - because it's a different species. You do know that, don't you?
Apparently not. The thing is, the dog in the photo doesn't even look like it's anything other than slightly scared, never mind "hot under the colour".