Gordon in the morning: A new meaning of exclusive

You might have enjoyed reading reviews of Madonna's New York gig over the last day and a half. Apparently, Gordon hadn't, as he seems convinced that his review was somehow "exclusive". Although, to be fair, his fawning piece is the only one which didn't mention her falling over at the end or the vocal track screwing up, so it's exclusive in that sense.

Mind you, Gordon didn't only have eyes for Madonna. He was very excited by Justin Timberlake, too:

He’s a complete Lord, JT. The man simply oozes charisma, dances like MICHAEL JACKSON and he spread a smile across Madonna’s face with his cheeky performance.

While Gordon is over in New York, someone credited simply as "online reporter" is holding up the nipple count in his column:

Desperate Jay sinks to new low

IF there was a letter after Z in the alphabet, that’s the list JAY NICHOLS would be on.

The desperate glamour 'model' - a veteran of the capital's party circuit - pulled her oddest stunt yet by turning up at Chinawhite wearing this number.

Hmm. Oddly, having rolled eyes at how desperate Nichols (who she?) is, the paper then obliges by running pictures of her. And giving her a load of coverage. Surely that makes Gordon's column much more desperate than the woman? Calling "look at me" is one thing, but rushing over yelling "look at the woman calling 'look at me'" must be worse.

Meanwhile, Pete Samson again delivers a proper exclusive - which may or may not be true, of course - claiming not just that Pete Doherty is going to be released on Tuesday but will then spend the next three days "getting smashed". You can tell it's a serious story, as they actually source a quote. Admittedly, only this one:

Ex-Home Office minister ANNWIDDECOMBE [sic] declared: “Nobody should ever come out that early.”

The real surprise, of course, is that Pete's planning a three-day boozy celebration - didn't the Sun tell us he'd become Muslim during his time in jail? Why, it's almost as if that wasn't true.