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Lesson one: Queuing
Auditioning for the X-Factor isn't that tricky, you'd have thought: stand around in a queue for ages - with a bit of waving at a camera; then have your dreams pissed over with a differing level of public humiliation.
Even so, apparently now you can do a course in going on the X Factor. You even get a diploma, although we suspect it might not count towards entry on a degree-level course.
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"Now, if you could all hand in last week's homework, you'll remember I asked you to recall the most tragic event in your life and then write a 200-word summary of it that you could easily read out over 'You Raise Me Up'. Let's see how you did... Near-fatal car-crash, good... Dead grandparent, excellent... House-fire destroyed everything but X Factor application form, very good... What's this? 'Anal fissure complications'? See me after class, Simpkins."
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